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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel Detained for Being “Unstable Loners”

March 1, 2013

The FBI have detained Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon under the Federal “Sandyhook Prevention Act of 2013”, which calls for the preemptive incarceration of individuals predisposed to violence. A Republican Congressperson who asked not to be named was quoted as saying “Hell if we’re gonna let the Democrats turn this thing into a gun issue.”

The two deranged musicians were clearly a threat to society. Their manifesto included veiled references to stockpiling military style body armor in preparation for their planned massacre (“I am shielded in my armor”) and incoherent ramblings about how they are immune to pain, likely due to use of illegal narcotics. Fortunately for America, the authorities acted before we had to find out the hard way what they were “hiding in their rooms”.

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